Besties On Ice

Earlier I overheard someone telling someone else that you have to “fight for love” and...

Oct 2nd

10 Year Old Girl Tries to Sell Grandma on...

Oct 1st

It's official: the little girls on...

Because they look like midgets with bleached veneers and weave. Freaked out like whoa.

Oct 1st

This happened today: worst doctor's...

First things first - can we all agree that doctors’ jobs are to do their best ability to cure...

Oct 1st

Sarah and I discuss the logistics of her...

Sarah: the dinner probably wont be til 6 or so but we're staying in the hotel where the rehersal dinner is
Me: okay sweet. How much should i allot for the stay?
Sarah: we're paying for the rooms
Sarah: i mean, if you were bringing a date and wanted your own room that would be on you
Me: omg, thats so sweet
Me: you guys shouldnt be doing that
Sarah: we shouldn't?
Me: what if i meet a salty old sea captain at the bar and want to shack up with him?
Sarah: then you should probably go back to his boat
Sarah: so um...where will you be that you'll meet a salty old sea captain during my wedding?
Sarah: i mean, just thinking out loud
Me: ummmm, at the hotel bar
Me: the night before
Sarah: hmm
Sarah: i hope we've chosen a hotel that that kind of person doesnt hang out at but, who knows

Oct 1st

(via liezlwashere) Just ordered my tickets. Thanks for the...

Oct 1st

glog: I love Mary Louise Parker. End of conversation. If I...

Sep 30th

I just found out there's a Chick-fil-a...

I thought you had to drive like 2 hours to get to the nearest one, and even then, I thought people...

Sep 30th

Gainey made the superhero version of me named...

Sep 29th

Knowing that The Hills cast members make...

Entirely disgusting/depressing.

Sep 29th

Brittany just raised a very good point.

“You want a Paul Rudd, plus 4 inches. Maybe 5 or 6.” (We’re talking about height,...

Sep 28th

Just watched "I Love You Man" for the...

Another “I would’ve seen this way sooner if I’d known how good it was”...

Sep 28th

I just quit twitter...

(after 6 or 7 months of sporadic and non-commital updates) because I find it narcissistic and...

Sep 28th

Things I'd prefer not to wake up to on a...

Hearing a woman’s voice outside my window asking someone, “You get hemorrhoids,...

Sep 27th

christinahaberkern: They think a girl who gossips is a...

Sep 27th

We're going to Darkroom on Melrose...

and I really want to bring some photo negatives and the proper picture developing/processing...

Sep 27th

Watch

I was just on the phone with my dad and we were talking about his trip to come visit me at the end...

Sep 27th

24freedinners:lemonlove:bowfolk:nevver: Tracksuit Bottoms,...

Sep 27th

nedhepburn: neil hamburger. <3

Sep 26th

I am SO buying bullet hole stickers for...

Sep 26th

The bike I won (except mine’s green)! :)

Sep 26th

The bike I wish I’d won.

Sep 26th

Somebody won the bet...

And somebody is now the new proud owner of a really nice bike. I didn’t talk for almost 7...

Sep 26th

My friends don't even have faith in my...

me: AHHHHHHH
me: i just made a bet w one of the writers that i wouldnt talk ever again
me: and im already dying to talk
me: and its been maybe 3 minutes
Jay: eek
Jay: that was not a good bet for you to make

Sep 25th

I just initiated a bet with one of the...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY DID I DO...

Sep 25th

So this happened in the morning writers'...

Sep 24th

LAist.com used another one!!!

Sep 24th

Watch

Baby Dancing to Beyonce If you don’t like this, you probably don’t have a soul anymore.

Sep 24th

Amy Poehler on Will Arnett: "I can hit that...

Sep 23rd

I just had my first conference call of...

 with the people who make The Shake Weight. I. Love. My. Job.

Sep 23rd

Watch

I’ve watched this 10 times today and I still laugh out loud every time.

Sep 23rd

Watch

“If you’re watching this tape, smoking your cigarette, go ahead and press fast forward,...

Sep 22nd

“If they say ‘use a cloth’ does that mean I can use a...”
— The Wifey, trying to decide...

Sep 22nd

catmansmuckers: lookmom: allthelatestmoves: nmpnmp: ...

Sep 22nd

Text I received from Will(aka Hipsterdiet) today (who is currently en route to LA from Florida):  ...

Sep 22nd

Something that makes going to a pre-Emmys party even more...

Sep 21st

Nearly 24 hours later, I just remembered

aaronmakessongs: bestiesonice: that at one point last night, while Seth McF was onstage basically...

Sep 20th

lieslieslies: Here is my advice for the evening. YOU’RE...

Sep 20th

New term I (think I) just made up:...

Definition: when someone tries to force you to karaoke against your own will.

Sep 19th

Turns out vodka doesn't cure the common...

But I met Seth MacFarlane at his own pre-emmys party last night, and had a staring contest with BJ...

Sep 19th

jaystarr: Wu Tang Clan ain’t nuttin to fuck wit I...

Sep 19th

So I'm going to the Family Guy Pre-Emmys...

 and if tonight’s not the perfect night to do this, then I don’t know when is.

Sep 19th

Watch

…especially since I conveniently already know the dance. And because there will be a live...

Sep 19th

“Decide what you want, decide what you are willing to...”
— H. L. Hunt (via calidre) (via...

Sep 18th

holdthewhippedcream: It’s a sad day in costumery. Just...

Sep 18th

lookatthisfuckinghipster: “Do you like my dress?” ...

Sep 18th

I am watching Toddlers and Tiaras for...

Two things: - This is how the apocalypse starts. - ONE OF THE GIRL’S NAMES IS SPARKAL...

Sep 18th

If this isn’t a missed connection, I don’t know...

Sep 17th

Someone spotted this love connection at CDR and sent me the...

Sep 17th

veganchameleon: TODAY’S THING THAT MAKES ME HAPPY = We...

Sep 17th

Bill Hader: 'Make Stuff. Do Stuff. As Much As...

Sep 17th

Bert’s in rehab for pain killers? …because his...

Sep 17th

Sep 17th

jaystarr: This should be Obama’s presidential portrait. ...

Sep 17th

Guillermo just called and left me a voicemail I cannot...

Sep 17th

Watch

Well, there goes what’s left of my dignity. Enjoy.

Sep 16th

Me: or maybe we can become the new (multicultural) Von Trapp Family
Me: singing and guitar playing and stand-up comedying
Me: thats what the von trapps did, right?
Jay: they either did that or murdered

Sep 16th

GPOYW Being Serenaded “Happy Birthday” (even...

Sep 16th

I can officially cross "Get serenaded...

<3

Sep 16th

The Iraqi dude who threw his shoe at G Dub is a total...

Sep 15th

Watch

Bacon is Good For Me - Remix I want this for my ring tone.

Sep 14th

holdthewhippedcream: Ahh, The Griddle Cafe. This place...

Sep 14th

jaystarr: At least the acting will be better. Sarah and...

Sep 14th

Please take a moment to admire how ridiculously precious and...

Sep 14th

Same pose, same “I’m going to vomit!!...

Sep 13th

“Some of you look like you didn’t go home last night. Are you...”
— Richard Simmons (via...

Sep 13th

I'm heading back to Slimmons for the...

The one to beat? “I’M GOING TO VOMIT DOG SHIT!” Let’s see how Richard...

Sep 12th

BEST VOICEMAIL EVER.

Sep 12th

Josh Olson will not read your fucking script.

Sep 12th

liezlwashere: comedydeathray: SPECIAL SHOW! Click HERE for...

Sep 11th

One of the writers is asking us for...

Apparently they didn’t fall in love with my “Motorboat the Cancer Away” pitch. ...

Sep 11th

Watch

Morgan Freeman voiceover for the “Bacon Is Good For Me” kid.

Sep 11th

You be illin’.

Sep 11th

Watch

Has anyone seen this show “Mala Nacha Si”? Is it a sketch show or is it for real? And...

Sep 11th

I just overheard one of the PAs use the...

Kill me now.

Sep 11th

I know on the outside I talk a lot of...

I really hope I end up with someone who values honesty as much as I do and doesn’t view...

Sep 10th

“That was the most offensive thing I’ve seen in twenty...”
—  Jane Lynch (as Sue...

Sep 10th

“He’s making her bang bang shrimp tonight. Fuck buddies...”
—  Living with Brittany is like...

Sep 10th

GPOYW I’m That Girl

Sep 10th

Our cue card lady came up to me yesterday and said,...

Sep 10th

Robber returns to ask victim on a date

Sep 10th

I'm recreating Ferris Bueller's Day Off in...

Sep 9th

AV Club's Interview with "The Room's" Tommy...

Sep 9th

Guess who's coming to LA in October to...

Sep 9th

This guy!!!!!! About damn time. To be fair, I’ve gone...

Sep 9th

Watch

If ever I’ve asked you to watch a video, WATCH THIS ONE. Seriously, I implore you to watch...

Sep 8th

(via carlovely) So much cuter when they’re not...

Sep 7th

lllaurraaaa: jakec: Reasons People Get Married | Madatoms ...

Sep 7th

FSU game day circa 2006. Nostalgia circa 2009.

Sep 6th

anotherdamnartist: whatswithsarah: piratekitten: dogs...

Sep 6th

(via ohnoitsthecops) (viasomethingintellectual) …and...

Sep 6th

2 years out of college and 24 years old,...

Baby’s all grown up.

Sep 6th

holdthewhippedcream: Hi, my name is Broccoli Cheddar Soup in...

Sep 6th

I’m watching a cartoon on ABC Kids (that’s right) called The Replacements where the...

Sep 5th

NY Times Gives UCB Some Love

Sep 5th

Hey, that haircut makes your ass look...

That’s what I took away from the Sexual Harrassment seminar. It’s cool to give your...

Sep 4th

Sexual Harrassment Seminar time in the...

I’m totally going to sit on Kevin’s lap during the seminar. And make him rub Biofreeze...

Sep 4th

anotherdamnartist: lovelywings: insooutso: Age Maps Two...

Sep 4th

Receiving beautifully hand-written letters from a boy who...

Sep 4th

Cruz Beckham: favorite kid ever.

Sep 4th

(via catmansmuckers) (via robhuebel)

Sep 4th

jimisland: I finally watched Coraline today.  Such an...

Sep 4th

My Interview with Punchline Magazine

Sep 3rd

Just gave my writer friend a packet of...

I feel like I may throw up from the nervousness/excitement/anticipation. This friend of mine has...

Sep 3rd

I found these tutus in one of the writers’ offices and thought they were for cats and/or dogs....

Sep 3rd

GPOYW I’m Going to Be a Terrible Mother Because I...

Sep 3rd

ANOTHER NEW RESTAURANT THAT WILL PROBABLY...

Sep 3rd

Sign the petition to bring World Cup to the...

Sep 3rd

veganchameleon: erockappel: veganchameleon: Here’s the...

Sep 2nd

I really wish that crazy bitch had called Ryan Seacrest’s morning show instead and gone on the...

Sep 2nd

So I get a phone call tonight from a...

Me: Uhh, I'm sorry, I don't call very many married men. What's his name?
Her: Jason. Who's THIS??!
Me: Hmmm. I only know one Jason - I work with him and he's not married. Where do you live?
Her: I work in Torrance. Why are you calling my husband??
Me: Like I said, I don't know any Jasons or anyone in Torrance.
Her: We live in Venice! Where do you live?
Me: The only person I know in Venice is a girl. I'm just as confused as you are, so why don't we try to get to the bottom of this together?
Her: Do you work in a dental office?
Me: No, I work for a television show. Can you give me more clues about your husband? I have no idea what's going on. What's your last name?
Her: Cabrillo...
Me: I don't know anyone with that last name. And you're positive that THIS is the number that is in your husband's phone?
Her: Yes, it says the call lasted for 3 minutes.
Me: Wait a minute. Is he the guy who bought Disneyland tickets from me off of Craigslist back in July?
Her: Oh. Yeah. Sorry.
Really? Over a THREE MINUTE PHONE CALL? I have half a mind to email her husband and let him know that his wife is going through his phone and he needs to get a handle on that.
I also have half a mind to call back and say, "By 'sold him Disneyland tickets on craigslist', I mean I slept with him." What a psycho.

Sep 2nd

Two New Female Cast Members join SNL

Sep 2nd

Listen

Discovery - I Want You Back My favorite Michael Jackson(/Jackson 5) cover ever. (Thanks to Dave...

Sep 1st